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My Blog SCRIBBLE AND EDIT reflects my love of creative writing, design, literature and film. Check out my Poems & haiku, Romantic Flash Fiction; Blogfest Entries; Blog Awards and other prose and Flash Fiction. Do bear with me, as I will reciprocate with those genuine commenters on my blog.  BTW I sometimes withhold comments for challenges until later. Comments about the post are much appreciated. Thank you.
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Friday, 22 April 2011

S: Sunshine Award ~ Showing Crusader Challenge

A huge thank you to Rachna for awarding this to me.



I would like to pass this award on to

 Klahanie who always has me laughing 
Old Kitty for her bright and breezy comments and posts
Milo James Fowler for us upbeat approach to getting published


Orange Gerbera,
Petals balanced with Sunshine,
Awarded to me.



Show Not Tell Crusader Challenge:
In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:
  • you're scared and hungry
  • it's dusk
  • you think someone is following you
  • and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses
  • AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.


The neighbour’s television set sent a shimmer of lights across their window pane in the dwindling daylight. My stomach gurgled like a chemistry set, reminding me it was tea time, as I shivered; my breath forming white wisps in the chill, evening air. There was an odd lingering smell, like some banned substance invading my nose. I could hear footsteps pounding the concrete, coming closer. As I slowed my pace, theirs did too. I turned to look behind me. My heart began to pick up a rhythm of its own, bouncing like a fairground dial hit with a mallet. A figure in a hoody was loitering just past the bus stop and his eyes made a saccadic reconnoiter of my body from head to toe. As I quickened my step, his quickened. As I ran, my breath scorched my throat and my nose filled with liquid. I could taste salt in my mouth. I had bitten my cheek. I made it to my front door. A flood of relief surged through me as my dad stood, ushering me inside. I was safe and home in time for tea. (188 words)

24 comments:

  1. Congrats on the award. You are truly a ray of sunshine! :)

    Also, fabulous passage for the challenge! I liked the fairground dial analogy.

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  2. Brilliant passage - there was fear and anticipation and relief!! Yay!!

    Congratulations with your wonderful awards!!!!! Take care
    x

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  3. Congrats to use on the award. And Old Kitty!

    My stomach gurgled like a chemistry set - love the analogy. Great tension built in this piece.

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  4. Hi Madeleine .. congratulations on your sunshine award .. I hope you're basking now .. in both types ..

    Love the way the fear was following .. and that relief on reaching one's own door ..

    Cheers Hilary

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  5. congrats on the award! great passage! so glad she made it safely for tea!!! christy

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  6. ...and in time for tea! The comic relief was a nice touch at the end. Well done!

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  7. What a lovely award! Congratulations! Great passage (and well done at under 200 words). :)

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  8. Loved this line: "saccadic reconnoiter of my body from head to toe." Also, super impressed that it is so short (I tend to ramble in mine =)

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  9. Ah actually I was going for relief rather than comic relief! LOL! :O)

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  10. I too like that line: "my stomach gurgled like a chemistry set"! And thanks for passing on the award; you are too kind.

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  11. "gurgled like a chemistry kit" - now that's original! I like it :-) And well done for so few words.

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  12. Well done! And Congrats on the award. ; )

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  13. You are a ray of sunshine! Congratulations.

    Loved your show not tell piece!

    Ellie Garratt

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  14. Congratulations on the award and loved your show don't tell piece - refreshingly lighthearted, but still fulfilling all the criteria of the challenge - enjoyed it immensely :-)

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  15. What a short but exciting excerpt! And the happiest ending of all--home in time for tea! :)

    Congratulations on the award!

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  16. Cool! I like the way you used your required words :) Great story.

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  17. Great story - and congrats on the award!
    Lx

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  18. The blog is very good!
    Congratulations!
    http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com

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  19. Ooh great job! I'm with Nicole, I loved the last line: home in time for tea - it completely changes the tone of your story :)

    Hugs,

    Rach

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  20. Isn't it fantastic, how different everyone is dealing with the same specifications?!?!

    Happy Tea Time! :-)

    Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

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  21. Loved your post, you captured the emotions and showed them well.

    "saccadic reconnoiter of my body from head to toe. Absolutely wonderful way of describing.

    Happy Easter. Hope you have a great Weekend.

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  22. Hi Madeleine,
    Sincere apologies for not commenting at an earlier time. My excuse? I've been multitasking and even did three loads of laundry. Thought you might like to know this :)
    My goodness, that was an excellent passage you wrote and you encapsulated the theme, very well and in 188 words :) Great stuff.
    Hearty congratulations for receiving the 'sunshine award'. Jolly well deserved. And, I wish to congratulate Old Kitty and Milo James Fowler for receiving the award from your good self.
    And finally, before I continue some more thrilling multitasking, thank you very much for forwarding this award onto me, shy and humble me, at my rather unknown and unassuming blog site.
    With respect and kindness, your way, Gary :)

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  23. Oh yay, so glad to read one where the character makes it out safely!

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